Houseplant Hell

 Don't buy a housewarming houseplant

Please don't waste your money on me

It has to be said, it'll just end up dead

'Cos house plants and I don't agree


I read that you can't kill clematis

They're healthy, they're hardy, they're strong

The experts all lied – mine didn't survive

The "can't kill them" theory was wrong


Didn't think I could fail with a cactus

Thought "I couldn't kill this if I tried"

But I first had my doubts when its needles fell out

Then it shrivelled up, withered and died

Spider Plants, Roses and Lilies

I've murdered them all I confess

I can't work out why my houseplants all die

- Not green-fingered, I'm more like Black Death!


I finally tried a begonia

It started with promise – day one

But after 48 hours it lost all its flowers

And then it became a Begone!


So don't buy me a housewarming houseplant

I don't care if they're easy to grow

I can't handle the guilt as they wither and wilt

My home is a houseplant Death Row!